Wednesday, March 29, 2006 @8:15 PM
it's so difficult to give a reaction. i just don't understand what should i do. to do nothing which is to ignore the whole thing and would it be uncaring of me to do so? it just gets on my nerve that whenever such a situation happens, i cannot do anything, feel so helpless and irritated. and especially when i'm asked about it, i am totally clueless on what to say. i dislike this sense of insecurity and sense of doubt. i have no freaking idea what should i do. can someone please enlighten me on it, am i suppose to do something? or am i suppose walk away and pretend nothing is wrong? why is it so difficult to react? if only reactions would lead to no consequences, both good or bad. but in life, nothing is that easy, there are consequences staring back at me, maybe even haunt me for the rest of my life. this whole thing stinks, it lingers around, sticking with me for the rest of day. keep reflecting on the whole issue, with same questions crossing my mind again and again. keep wondering if i'm in the wrong, that i shouldn't feel that way, i should be less hot-tempered and stubborn. and i realized that it's absolutely difficult to just give a smile and pretend nothing has gone wrong, nothing is affecting me currently, and that i'm alright. smiling could never have been so difficult, and last so shortly. hmmm, i don't feel anything about the paper i receieved today. i have no feelings towards it. you may feel a sense of accomplishment/happiness/satisfaction, but really i feel nothing. don't congratulate me, it's nothing (even though it has never happen to me before). seriously, that's how i feel.
⥠lost for words and i drift.