it's so difficult to give a reaction. i just don't understand what should i do. to do nothing which is to ignore the whole thing and would it be uncaring of me to do so? it just gets on my nerve that whenever such a situation happens, i cannot do anything, feel so helpless and irritated. and especially when i'm asked about it, i am totally clueless on what to say. i dislike this sense of insecurity and sense of doubt. i have no freaking idea what should i do. can someone please enlighten me on it, am i suppose to do something? or am i suppose walk away and pretend nothing is wrong? why is it so difficult to react? if only reactions would lead to no consequences, both good or bad. but in life, nothing is that easy, there are consequences staring back at me, maybe even haunt me for the rest of my life. this whole thing stinks, it lingers around, sticking with me for the rest of day. keep reflecting on the whole issue, with same questions crossing my mind again and again. keep wondering if i'm in the wrong, that i shouldn't feel that way, i should be less hot-tempered and stubborn. and i realized that it's absolutely difficult to just give a smile and pretend nothing has gone wrong, nothing is affecting me currently, and that i'm alright. smiling could never have been so difficult, and last so shortly. hmmm, i don't feel anything about the paper i receieved today. i have no feelings towards it. you may feel a sense of accomplishment/happiness/satisfaction, but really i feel nothing. don't congratulate me, it's nothing (even though it has never happen to me before). seriously, that's how i feel.
⥠lost for words and i drift.
haha (: nothing can make me smile better than this!
at esplanade! (: 050306 if you look hard, you might just be able to see jas underwear! LOL.
hmmm, i miss them alr :D haha. i wanna meet them now! haha.
took econs test today! shit man, my part a essay is as good as blank, i'll be thankful if i can get 1 out of 10! haha. case study was full of shit! haha. i'm doomed! oh well. haha. went for only chem tutorial and gp lect today. sigh, missed the chem lect, maths lect and econs tutorial. it's quite alot, cause chem lect teach finish the amides! argh, i'm completely blurred by complex numbers! econs tutorial, haha, i miss ms jeeva and she summarised keynesian, i need the summary! hmmm, tml is judo orientation games! hope alot of j1s will go! cause me and jeremy did some last minute planning (with that kiam chai proposal) and lots of thinking (wishing the j1s won't feel bored about tml)! haha. hope everything will run smoothly and that everyone will enjoy themselves :D
⥠lost for words and i drift.
the best way to end the day (220306)! haha, the wonders of a webcam! haha. especially when you don't have one! haha. you can see the other party's reactions etc. and make fun of them, and the best thing is that the other party can't make fun of you cause you don't have a webcam! haha. i'm a technology idiot! haha. cause it's only NOW i realized the beauty of webcams! (partly huiting's fault for NOT webcam-ing with me!) hmmm, realized how much joy szehui brings to me. haha. reminds me of seconday school days, the time when i kept saying how i wish i would never see them (of course jokingly) everyday in school. the phrase "is szehui pretty?" constantly rings in bth's ears. the question asked is always out of boredom, haha, and for i don't know what reason, she spoke in third person! haha. but now i realized how much i missed it! i missed szehui and her actions! MY SEC 3 to SEC 4 (first term) school partner! i miss our secondary school days! haha. no matter not-so-near or far your friends/family are, it can actually help bonds two parties together. i love the webcam, especially when it's with szehui (:
⥠lost for words and i drift.
just read some of judokas (those with blogs) post on today's (nationals individual) competition. so i guess, i might asw well post about today! indeed, it was quite disappointing to see the fellow guys and girls to lose their matches before my very own! it is like, how can that be possible? these fellow judokas are so much more skilled than me! and it demoralized me, if they could lose by such a small margin, what will be in it for me? bout 18! i feared my name being read out of the speaker system. i was pretty nervous.
my first opponent - nicola (brown belter) her belt level comforts me. i'm already so unskilled, how am i suppose to get through the match? haha, heard that she's pretty big size, got more scared, but she really isn't that big! haha. she seemed pretty alright to me. anyway, disappointed with myself, even though can hardly rmb much of the match (as usual) and even though it was a short one [under one stupid minute]! i know i fell to the ground. i stunned for a couple of seconds, cause i thought we could get up, but she suddenly pin my down for ground work! i feel EXTREMELY stupid. really, how can someone fight in a match and not know the proper rules? i thought that once YOU are out of the red mats, the pin is invalid. however, only when the opponent is out then it's considered! i was so freaking near the mats! i could have gotten out! regret that moment of "stunning". what is wrong with me? retarded me. haha. oh well, it's too over to regret!
my second opponent - vicky (fight for the joint third for middle weight) i felt more nervous than the previous match! don't know really know how to explain the increased nervousness i was feeling. anyway, before that, qinqi fought vicky (and naturally won - our source of hope and glory for the nyjc judo team), i saw vicky and i felt that she was fighting as if she was mad (okay, that's a pretty insenstive and judgemental) and thought that lucky she isn't my opponent! but guess what, i had to fight her for joint third! YAY! fight the one i hope i won't fight! haha. anyway, seriously, i have no brain during a judo match. or maybe my nervous feeling (before fighting vicky) killed the remaining brain cells! i can't think! i somehow didn't rmb my techniques, advices and anything! what happen to what qinqi advised me on briefly before the match? "ALWAYS front breakfall" argh, why do i keep falling on my back? fat ass. haha, anyway, lost by groundwork again! the only reason why i'm able to last so long it's because of the 25sec groundwork :D what a loser.
haha, okay enough about me and whiny comments. haha. i'm really proud of everyone! the fighting spirit was not too bad, despite the stress everyone must have been experiencing (judo and block tests!) if only that dumb ass fbb knew it. only cared about the medals. haha, anyway, shiyun rocks! she's a winner in my heart! fight super well. jeslin, rebecca, jasmine! they put up a tough fight! jeslin stayed the whole 3mins! and had the golden throw nonsense - it's a lousy rule (haha)! anyway, you rock! the guys were good! as sulaiman said, "luck ain't on our side", pretty true, the guys were always leading and suddenly lost. qinqi is the ultimate! she's the best! haha! THE HOPE AND GLORY - the pride each and everyone has, she's the source of it, esp. today! haha.
⥠lost for words and i drift.
((: gp maths chem paper are done! finished! i don't need to keep maths formulas and chem organic structures in my brain anymore! even though i did the paper like shit, haha, but oh well.
gp paper! the essay! wah lao, all the questions given were so difficult! haha. the simplest (and most popular) was "the world is not safe to live in. do you agree?" haha. shit, i didn't write on vulnerability of man to diseases! haha. that's the easiest and most that i could write i think! but i didn't think of it! damn stupid!!!
maths paper! has 7 questions and it was 3hrs! haha. i was damn stupid can! at 2 plus i saw the clock, then in my mind i was like, oh shit! 3.00pm end! then i rush like hell! i even skip the maclaurin's question, cause damn pek that i couldn't do! then at 3.00pm, i was like, eh, how come the teachers nv say "put down your pen" etc. i really, wth, i have an hour more! sigh, then i had no more mood to attempt the questions! especially those freaking curve sketching!!! esp. the last two parts of question 4, it's like, it asks you to sketch the graph, of course i don't know how to sketch.. then the second part wants you to sketch the grap reflected and stuff! if i don't know how to sketch the graph itself, then how to do the second part?!? haha. then at 3.30pm right, the itchy-fingers teacher went to meddle with the lights! and we were in almost complete darkness for 15 whole mins! haha. then i realized i was quite lucky, cause whatever i knew how to do, i did it before the "blackout", the rest right whether i attempt or not, it won't make a difference, cause i don't know how to do! haha. sigh, i wasted the remaining time, cause i was too lazy to check alr!
chem paper! SKIP THOSE IONIC EQUILIBRIA shit questions!! haha, so many ionic questions! damn sad! haha. did organic chemistry, a little more comforting than the BLANK ionic parts! haha. but i decided to write some crap! even though the marker might laugh at me, but i don't want a question mark! haha.
hmmm, tml i won't be taking econs paper! sigh, wanted to get the exam over and done with! but it could be a good thing too, cause i haven't looked at econs for a solid week! haha. hmmm, judo is gonna have nationals individuals competition tml at hougang sec! haha. but wait, don't be deceived (if you were), i'm not that good! i'm in a category that i shouldn't be in! haha. cause the lack of girls, haha, so i just joined it! haha. :P hope i won't break any bones! lol. and i hope i could last for the full three minutes! (pray hard) haha. i don't wanna malu myself by being out in 3 secs! ): haha. hope i can last long! :D
⥠lost for words and i drift.
i wanna kill myself! why did i succumb to temptation in watching a dvd! why did i let my first 3 awakening hours of the first day of the week be wasted on the dvd? why did i waste that precious time! especially when i need every weeny bit of time left before the block tests in a week's time! it's alr 12 plus! argh! will i make full use of my time after this? sigh. mediacorp should come up with more interesting (but short) tv shows that i can watch and eat my breakfast with! this is one of the reasons that made me watch the dvd, hmmm, and largely due to my lack of discipline! shit, what an awful way to begin my week with.
⥠lost for words and i drift.
the week has ended! this is a bad sign, cause i really barely started on revision! chemistry is in my head one day and out the very next day! it's quite sad. i think organic chemistry will be very nice if all of us could rmb the reagents, conditions and type of reactions when solving those deductive questions. i think one would gain a certain satisfication when you could deduce the structural formula etc! haha. sigh, i'm very worried for my econs, after going through some drqs and essays for national income, i have yet to grasp the basics of it! i know the brief details, but i know nothing about explanation. my essay is below average, i barely write in the important details that bring out the point. ms jeeva commented on the script that it is generally okay. but i feel disappointed that i actually handed in that nonsense! hmmm, i got back the gp essay on thursday too. just scrapped through, to me, i think it was quite nonsensical! my essay writing skills hasn't improve one bit, it's still rather childish and lack points! my essays are always based on two to three points! somehow i can't make myself get beyond that number of points! and my comprehension and summary is atrocious! i hate summary! i can never master the skills of doing it! paraphrasing sucks. AQ, argh! it's a mini-compo in disguise! if i can't even do gp essays, how to do AQ? ah maths, linear interpolation is still haunting me! even though it's not the block test topic, it's very frustrating that after the whole tutorial, i honestly can't complete more than half the question. and if i can complete the first part of it, it has nothing to do with linear interpolation! ah, functions! i was once able to do most of the questions! now i'm completely clueless about it! i think i really need to buck up during this time!
WHEN WILL I START TO DISCIPLINE MYSELF AND START STUDYING?
-hopefully soon
⥠lost for words and i drift.
i LOVE BTH! love is acutally too vague to describe my feelings for them. as i was walking around with them, i really feel very lucky that i have friends like them! only they can make me laugh so much and hard! i love recalling about szehui's ignorance, especially together with the rest. :P i shall not mention it in my blog cause she will most probably murder me for it! haha. jas and her mutual singular FRIEND! haha. i really miss seeing all of them! nessa's as loud as usual! wanwen is still wanwen! no change! haha. szehui, haha, still as ____ as ever! her hair is long!haha. bel is still bel! haha. she went to cut hair! WHY! nessa's friend says that we meet up often! but we aren't! i want more! (it sounded wrong when i said it just now! and jas said i give you more!) haha.
anyway, we ate at country mana! the seven of us - nessa, szehui, bel, wanwen, jas, vonne and me! (: haha. we were all extremely hungry! haha. gobble gobble! haha. it was to celebrate bel's birthday, but we didn't do much for her! sorry bel! :P we took lots of photos! (: but not as much as the last time! but alot of photos in their phones! haha. i tell you, bel is mad, she collects photos! *shakes head* anyway, after eating we walked to marina square and then to esplanade! we had an interesting journey there! all thanks to wanwen and bel! haha. hmmm, and at esplanade, some smoker accidentally burn nessa with the cigarette bud! although the smoker apologized, but it was very painful for nessa and there's a slight scar (it will heal!) can't stand smokers (sfivebees trait)! haha.
anyway, in the end, i had a great time together with them! i can't wait for the photos! (: i can't wait to see them again!
⥠lost for words and i drift.
ah! tml grading! oh my gosh, WHY isn't it not held at ri again? WHY now so far? WHY so early? die, i need rmb all those japanese stuff! i hope my 20 bucks will not be gone to waste! :P pray i will able to do my best and pass! :D
haha, gp outlines! i have not been doing them. shit, i keep losing my trail of thoughts! maths tutorial! newton-rhapson sucks, too difficult and somehow i think it's useless. and it's already scrapped off the new syllabus! wth. haha, econs! NIA is still a blur to me )):
⥠lost for words and i drift.
haha, econs! haha, keynesian theory! planned expediture? mpt mps mpm??? haha. what's the difference? can't they just call it a common name?? haha. i hate linear interpolation! i know the existence of the formulas! but applying it to questions is just overwhelming! tried doing it during the break, but it's just hard.
after school, me dawn and kimsoon went to have late lunch at gardens! then we went to coffeebean, with the intention to study! but we ended up talking straight for two and a half hours! omg, the scary thing is that we could have gone on to talk somemore if i didn't have to go home for dinner! haha, we were looking at people and talk about them! the key incident of the day! i got really disgusted with this middle aged guy! he had VERY long hair (reminded me of ms ferng).. i alr wanted to die when i saw such a sight, then he had to do it! he had to flick his hair like some shampoo ad girl! *vomits*
omg, my brother can cook nice hamburgers! amazingly delicious! all you eligible sec 1 girls (with a decent character), get ready for my brother now! he can be a househusband - he can cook! he can sing (i think)! he can debate! he will be able to do CPR! hahahaha. oh man, what the heck am i doing?
⥠lost for words and i drift.